you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
