I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
