Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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