i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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