i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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