I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
birth control should be required to get into college
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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