she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I want a musical about memes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
