Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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