I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
