Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
