Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
