i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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