Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
