Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
