I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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