I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize