dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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