I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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