I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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