apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
