the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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