She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
