Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize