Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
you never un-have a 4some
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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