At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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