id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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