Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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