The brown eye won't let me do that either.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
