i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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