Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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