My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
