Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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