So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
