Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
