If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
