no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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