I faked an abortion last night.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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