It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
