he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The Olympian is in my bed
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
