census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
