Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
