just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize