your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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