it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
