i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Can you bring me the toilet please
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
