Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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