Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
