He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
