when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
