They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
