I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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