Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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