dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
