I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Let's get the cat blown out
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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