What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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