hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
