In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
