quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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