Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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