all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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