Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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