So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
