When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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