Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
