my phone needs a breathalizer
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
