I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
