I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize