Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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