She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
