When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
