Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
