I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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